In my almost 33 years, I have noticed a pattern in just about every experience. From the great big ones, to even the smallest experiences, I have always had some sort of expectations set. And pretty much every experience that I have ever had, ended differently from what I had imagined. I suppose that if it was only me in this world, my expectations would be pretty accurate. However, I am not here alone and for that I am thankful. Sometimes those expectations are set way to high, and even though I may have had a great day, that day wilts just a little because I didn’t fulfill every thing that I set out to do. I have a real problem with seeing what I haven’t done as opposed to what I have. But sometimes, I have expected an experience to be more negative than it panned out to be. And those are the times when its easy to smile and say with a cheerful attitude that life is just full of surprises.
Many of my expectations come with pictures. I know that sounds silly, but when I think about an upcoming event, I ALWAYS imagine in photos rather than action shots if you will. When I was pregnant with Mattie, I wanted nothing more than a photo of Brandon and I holding and seeing her for the very first time. I had it all planned out and thought it was a pretty simple request. He would be up my by head and so when she was handed up to me, of course he would be right there. We would ooooh and awwww and it would be magical. In real life, we were all so captivated by that little miracle that had just entered our lives that thoughts of who was going to take a picture flew right out the window. And for quite some time, a lovely day and a lovely memory, a major accomplishment of having birthed a beautiful baby girl somehow felt less than prefect because I didn’t have a specific picture. This might explain why I carry my camera around with me all the time. And I will admit, sometimes I get so focused on getting this particular picture to document the event, that I don’t really embrace whats going on around me, the memories that are actually being made. Looking at other people’s pictures doesn’t help either. There was one time when Brandon wanted me to see some pictures of an old friend of his little boys at a pumpkin patch. These were some darling little men and it was a gorgeous day at their pumpkin patch. So when our turn came to go visit the pumpkins, of course I was prepared with my camera and my expectations. And my day didn’t go as planned. I didn’t leave that field with perfectly posed pictures of two little boys in matching outfits reflecting to the world that they had just had the best day ever. I instead had hardly any pictures. And certainly not any with my little cherubs smiling up at me from a nest of orange gourds while wearing their perfectly coordinated fall fashions. However, when I look back on that day, I remember that there was a fantastic slide at this particular pumpkin patch and Mattie and Reese had the best time sliding down it over and over. And they would go down it together and just giggle the whole way down with their little voiced echoing all across the field so everyone could hear these two kiddos having the time of their life. Not something that you can photograph very well. But a memory of a brother and a sister loving each other and life on a prefect Tennessee autumn day that I know I will never forget. Oh and lets not forget the laughter of their Nene as she watched these babies that she loves so much having the time of their lives. But all that I took with me was a feeling of failure that I didn’t have pumpkin patch pictures.
So yesterday when our little family embarked on the Magic Kingdom, knowing my feelings about my photo expectations, I decided early on that I only wanted one thing. I wouldn’t be upset if we didn’t get to ride Space Mountain. I wouldn’t feel sad if the kids didn’t get to dance with any of their characters as balloons and confetti fell down around them like you see on all those touching Disney commercials. All I wanted was a picture of all 3 of my children, preferably with their father and I holding them, with the famous castle in the back ground. We didn’t all have to be looking at the camera or smiling, just all of us in it. Now that we have Lila, all those pictures that I have from before in special places like Disney World seem a little incomplete. Seems easy enough right? And I’m sure everyone else there had expectations too. I bet the poor teenage girl in the Briar Patch gift shop outside of Splash Mountain didn’t expect to pass out in the middle of the store and have to leave on a stretcher. I bet the little boy who dropped his $8.00 hot dog had a different outcome in mind as well. I don’t think any of us expected there to be a terrible electrical storm forcing us to sit for 2 hours listening to an animatronic space alien named Sonny Eclipse pretend to play light jazz in an overcrowded restaurant. I will end the suspense right now and let you know that I didn’t get my picture. I didn’t get Lila and Reese’s ears until a little later in the day and we were to busy shooting space aliens with Buzz Lightyear and playing hide and seek with Merida from brave to be bothered with a photo.
As I was driving home from the park and feeling just a little bit frustrated with my experience in the Happiest Place on Earth, I started thinking about several of the other experiences that I have had that I left feeling a bit like a failure. The pumpkin patch incident, our trip to California, most birthdays, Lila’s birth where there are no pictures and Reese wouldn’t sit anywhere near her for the first 3 months or so of her life so I never really got any pictures of my 2 bigger ones lovingly gazing at their new baby sister. But I have memories just the same. Of the pumpkin patch, of Reese and Grandad talking cars and watching Top Gear as Reese rattled off his little brain full of information about Corvettes and Mustangs, of Nana singing Russian nursery rhymes to Lila and Mattie swimming like a little fish when we were in California. Everyone can pose for a lovely photo, but those action shots are a little harder to come by. And though Brandon’s friend might have perfect pictures of her boys, that doesn’t mean that the whole day went well. They may have had a hay ride out to a pumpkin patch and they may have said cheese at the appropriate time, but that doesn’t mean they got to squeal at the tops of their lungs in sheer delight as they plummeted down an 18 ft slide.
No pumpkins, but a fabulous slide
Overall, the morning after, I have to look back at our yesterday and say that yes it was a success. My children behaved wonderfully. There wasn’t any fighting or arguing. No time outs or meltdowns. There was no dancing with characters, but we had the opportunity. Reese just got really embarrassed when he came face to face with Woody and sort of went limp and then climbed up my back. Not quite the reaction we were expecting, but entertaining nonetheless. They laughed, they smiled, they held our hands and gave us kisses. My pictures may be few, but my memories are plenty. And as long as I replay them over and over, they will last longer and be far more precious than any posed picture of us standing outside of a castle. And the more I think about it, some of the most memorable times in my life don’t have photos to accompany them. There are no photos of Brandon asking me to marry him or me finding out that I was pregnant with any of the kids. There aren’t photos of my mommy laying with me at night and playing with my hair as I fell asleep. No one was around with a camera when my dad would pull up into the drive-way after I hadn’t seen him in months and I would run out and tackle him. And Matt and I certainly didn’t have a camera following us as we would spend hours playing by the creeks in the woods behind our house. So I have decided to be easier on myself, at least for the rest of this trip. And maybe I need to spend more time enjoying the moment as opposed to capturing or creating one.
One of the only pictures I have of any of my kids together at Disney, but don’t they look happy?
Mama Tried 