In Our Own Little Cocoon

Crazy enough, even in what can seem like the worst of the worst, there can still be joy, humor, and a little sunshine.  I would be lying if I said that Mom and I haven’t enjoyed some big laughs over the past three weeks.  Some really odd, peculiar and down right hilarious moments can come at the most inappropriate times and it feels wonderful to just go ahead and laugh.  And this little lady has made many difficult moments, so much easier.

You can’t cry when you are at the funeral home discussing very serious matters and Lila backs herself up against the funeral directors chest and without turning her head to look at him, simply hands him her banana to peel.  She is honest and she is real, but she is also loving this sabbatical that she and I are taking from our regular, everyday life.  She hasn’t watched a lick of tv since we’ve been here except for Golden Ladies at night before bed.  She has picked up more rocks and tended to the flowers (dandelions), she has learned how to swing herself and enjoys running out to the mailbox in the mornings.

The reason for being here…….I hate.  But I can think of no other place that I would rather be right now.  I am thankful that I am getting to play chauffeur to my mother (and even my grandma a few times – for the past two weeks on Wednesday, we have taken her to various appointments for this or that).  I had to smile the other day as I was driving my mother’s car with her riding shotgun and my grandma and youngest daughter in the backseat.  Four generations of feisty and strong ladies in one Honda Accord.

I love that even though we have had “business” to tend to just about every day, some form needing to be filled out, a meeting with a financial man or going to mom’s office at the high school after hours for her to get things off the computer……our lives have been pretty gentle.  We have been in a quiet little cocoon, if you will.  Still dealing with some pretty hard stuff, but in our own way and space and time.

We have taken the afternoon off to go check out the Dogwood Festival downtown, let Lila ride her first pony and then after that wasn’t much of a hit, buy her a cotton candy sno-cone to make up for it.

She looks straight out of movie from the Depression or something, doesn’t she?!

We have pulled over on the side of the road just because the little girl was wearing a green and white checked dress and I thought how precious she would look plopped amongst the yellow wild flowers growing all over the place.

We have laughed and played with cousins

We have made a spur of the moment decision to go and see if there were any new babies at the Wilderness Safari right at closing time…….there were! Baby camels and because the were keeping them out of the way of actual paying visitors ie. back in the field by the fence and because we didn’t actually go in but rather just drove up by the fence, we got a front row look at the new little ones.

We got our nails done, did an oatmeal facial mask and did some small town shopping

I saw this little upbeat collectible at Goodwill……pretty much sums it all up

We ate a few snacks along the way, too.

Mumsey did some work she probably wasn’t supposed to do.

She was told not to do any housework….so instead she decided to scrub the woodwork around the windows and re-stain the front door.

Pulling some weeds……in her boot

And we have played

And swung

Its been a while since the kid had the Mumsey all to herself like this.

I don’t think that any of this is what God was planning and hoping for in the life of Poppy…for the life of my family at all.  But I think God can use bad things to bring good things.  I fully believe that even in Poppy’s death, there has been glory and goodness.  Lives have been touched and changed, of that I am certain.  Some people send beautiful floral arrangements to say they care, others send cards with heartfelt messages and of course we can’t forget how others mow the lawn.  All of these are given as gestures to let you know that you are being thought about and loved and that those around you just want to make things as easy as possible right now while everything else is so hard.  I think God gave me a month at home with my mama, as His condolences.  It has been sweeter than any bouquet, card, baked good….you get the point.

We are going back to our actual home on Sunday and I don’t think Lila or I either one is going to know what to do with ourselves come Monday morning…….when we have to crawl out of our little cocoon and re-enter the world again.

Blessings in Boots

Mom broke her foot about 36 hours before Poppy passed away and about 3 hours before I arrived in town.  The story goes that she was planning to have a hospital bed delivered to our house and while moving things around in her room to accommodate said bed, she realized how terribly dusty the drapes were.  There was no way she was going to let Poppy have dusty drapes hanging above him so she didn’t what any good wife would do and decided immediately to climb up on a footstool or the bedside table and get those drapes down. I guess window number one got taken care of without any problems and window number two seemed to be fine, too….that is until she lost her balance a bit after her dismount.  She met me at the door with a big ol’ boot on her right foot, grinning from ear to ear and promising that it didn’t hurt at all.

Funny thing, that toe is broke clean in half…..”not even in the same room” said one of the 3 doctors she has seen over the past two weeks…….but not once has it hurt her.  Probably because there are larger hurts that are consuming her at the moment.

I remember right after my brother passed away, that first time I ventured out into the world again (I had spent about 48 hours just hunkered down and hiding), I was shocked at how everything was just going along as it always had.  My whole world had come to a screeching halt and left carnage scattered all over the place.  But to the rest of the world, everything just kept going.  I remember standing in line for coffee and one lady getting really annoyed with me because I wasn’t focusing on the task at hand.  The barista had been trying to get my attention and when I finally realized what was going on, I couldn’t remember what I wanted in the first place.  I remember going in the bathroom at Starbucks and crying.  Crying because I missed my brother, crying because the lady was mean and crying because my insides felt slashed and raw, but from the outside nobody else could see.

I still feel incomplete without my brother here.

I am not an only child, but everyone who has met me since March of 2007 would think that I was.  I never have a sibling come visit me and the only biological nephew that I have probably couldn’t pick me out of a room full of other ladies my age.  He was the keeper of my childhood, the one who knew all the stories and my remember when………It has been 9 years since he died and my insides, my heart is still not the same……but from the outside nobody would be the wiser.

I can’t help but feel like Mom’s broken foot is a little bit of a blessing.

The outside slightly mirrors the inside.

Strangers see us coming and hold open the door before we even get there.  She gets sympathetic looks and “Oh bless your hearts” from random, fellow Wal-Mart patrons and I don’t think it occurs to either of us right away that they are talking about her robo foot.  I’m wearing my sad pants, which I know what they mean, but the rest of town thinks they are just my “I don’t want to wear real pants pants”.  But the broken foot seems to be helping.  People are kinder and a little softer, they are patient when we are slow and even though I have caught her several times doing things a person with a broken foot should not be doing, no one else expects her to be jumping right in a being a productive member of society.  I do not have the broken foot and am still able-bodied, but because I am with her and being her (in public) legs and feet and über driver – they kind of let me off the hook as well.

I think the broken foot was a blessing, the outside looks like the inside and so the world is granting a time out.

I wish they made casts or braces, something that you could wear when your heart and mind weren’t at their best.  That way people would understand that I’m not stupid or lazy or trying to ruin your day by not paying attention, I’m just thinking about something else way more important than my morning coffee.  Everything around me signals a memory, which just reminds me that they are gone and grieving can be paralyzing…..instead of handicap tags hanging on our rear view mirrors, we need little crying emoji tags to hang so that the rest of the world could know.  Don’t honk and make hand gestures, they don’t realize they are driving 15 miles per hour, they just miss their person………

That broken foot is also a blessing because if she was afraid for a minute that I might rush back home after Poppy’s memorial service, not being able to drive on her own has guaranteed that I will be staying in Siloam Springs for quite some time.  I would have hated to leave my Mom alone anyway, but there really wasn’t even a discussion about it after the whole break incident. Personally, I don’t think I’ve really done a thing, except maybe keep the streets a little safer, but even that could be up for debate by some.  But I would hate to think of her being here all alone right now.

Our community, her work and especially the church family that she and Poppy were a part of has been incredible.  Every week, there is a different person on a goliath riding lawn tank to tackle the football field that is my parents lawn.  Last Friday, there were even dueling lawn tanks at one point.  I have learned that lawn mowing is a very man way of showing their sympathy.  The women have brought food, lots and lots of paper products and flowers……..the men have mowed and mulched.  And we have appreciated everything.  Most of the kindness, I am pretty positive, would have been shown even without the boot.  Because God has also blessed my mother by surrounding her with just the right people.  Her across the street neighbors played Bed and Breakfast for family last weekend here for the memorial service and just the other night, the next door neighbors let us come over and play with their goats and chickens.  That might not seem like a big deal to some, but Lila thought it was incredible and seeing how that family greeted us before we were even out of the car, ready to wrap my mom up – it helps things to start healing just a little bit.

My kids and I have a song we sing before bed, each one gets their own rendition and I think it means different things to each one.  Reese worries about stormy weather and bad dreams, Mattie just runs on the anxious side in general and Lila is still figuring out her little world and her worries can change from one blink to the next – but they all have been known to have heavy hearts and deep thoughts so we sing this song:

I will cast all my cares upon you

I’ll lay all of my burdens

Down at your feet

And any time, I don’t know what to do

I will cast all my cares upon you.

We started casting them down way before Poppy died.  This was not what we were hoping for, but He was already putting in to motion this plan to make our loss a little easier…..And I do believe that plan included a broken foot.  I hate why I am Apriling here at my parents’ house.  I still don’t really like or want to talk about it.  I walk by pictures of him and my eyes tear up.  I prefer to sit in his chair and I dusted all of his “Adult Collectible” metal cars to put away in boxes but then ended up putting them right back on the shelves were he liked them.  I hate that I have watched the last 3 NASCAR races and he will never know the crazy wrecks or how awesome Chase Elliot is doing.  He was really excited about that rookie……I hate every minute that he has been gone……But I am so thankful that I have been able to be here.

Just a little reminder, the boot or cast or cane might be only the persons outside pain, the break that could be hurting worse might be their heart.

“Kay,What Are You Doing?”

His last words to me were on Sunday.  Brandon and I were heading to Lowe’s to get some mulch for mom’s flower beds.  A dear friend from church had said he would make sure that her flower beds looked beautiful for spring, but because she is mom, she insisted on getting the mulch herself so that he wouldn’t pay for it.  So Sunday, before we headed out of town, we were getting gardening supplies.  We could have put them in our Acadia, but would have had to move carseats and sporting goods and all the other ridiculous stuff that gets packed around in my car – so we decided that we would just take Poppy’s truck.  Our plan was all set and right before we left, we realized we didn’t have the keys.  From across the house, Brandon called to Mums asking where the truck keys were.  I’m sure she answered, but the only voice I heard was his.

He had acknowledged that my family and I were there when we arrived.  Several times when Lila would walk by him, he would wave and say, “Hi Sweetie” in a his now weak and slow voice.  When the big kids went outside to play, he remarked about how much they loved to play here at Mumsey and Poppy’s house.  He also let us know that the girls were swinging way too high outside on the back porch.  But he hadn’t directly said anything to me.  That was okay. I just needed him to know I was there.  But standing there in the kitchen getting ready to run a simple little errand, I finally got my direct comment.

I have said before, Poppy is a talker, he can talk your ear off and over our almost 30 years together we have had gazillions of conversations…….but not one of them are of the sentimental, emotional kind.  I have learned to read between the lines.  When he says, “Your tires look low” that really means “Please be safe, I love you.” So when from across the room, in a weak and wispy voice, I heard “Kay, what are you doing?” I knew he wasn’t just making sure we weren’t planning to do something with his car.  I know he probably was checking to verify that point to, but I will always hear so much more.  I can’t tell you how my heart soared to have my parent question my actions.

“Just getting mulch Pop, for the flower beds.”

I love you, too.  So, so much!

While out getting mulch, we had to make a quick stop at Wal-Mart next door and Reese insisted that we take a look at the little cars before we left.  The Siloam Springs Wal-Mart always has the best selection in NASCAR die-cast cars.  And this particular visit didn’t disappoint.  We found two of the Jeff Gordon 24s from his very last race before retirement last November.  This particular car, we had purchased the “Adult Collectible” version of for Poppy for Christmas this past year. Of course we needed it.  We got about halfway to the cash registers when Reese asked if we could go back and get the other one for Poppy…because he only had the big one and he would really like this one.

Of course Reese, a million times yes.

We came home and Reese practically flew into the house to show Poppy what he had found.  “Poppy Poppy, its the last Jeff Gordon and I got you one, too.” And Poppy let his eyes follow the dancing little boy as he ripped open the familiar plastic packaging and parked that little silver car with the neon 24 up on the shelf where they had always parked them in the past.  Before we had arrived home from our errand, Reese had told me very matter-of-factly that he wanted to stay and watch the race with Poppy.  Being only 7, I don’t know if he understood that this would be his last NASCAR race with Poppy.  But it sure seemed like it.  And I think Poppy knew it, too.

I want braids Mama, and fix my hair here by Poppy.

Mom and I joined them for the race too, but I think more than the cars, we were watching the boy and his Poppy. For 3 full hours last Sunday, Poppy stayed awake.  Not saying a word, but watching none the less.  I can’t help but wonder if he wasn’t watching the little boy more than the cars, too.  Every little bit Reese would ask, “Did you see that Poppy?” He got Poppy’s cars down off the shelf and worked to keep them in the same line up as the cars on t.v…….just like they have done for half of his life.  And with every comment, Poppy would try to give a little nod.

Our bags were packed and the car was ready to go.  The kids had school the next day and we had a 6 hour drive ahead of us – but wild horses couldn’t drag us away.

Read between the lines

We love you, too.

***********************************************************************

Lila and I came back this past Wednesday and even in those few days, few hours – Poppy’s condition had deteriorated.  He was agitated and anxious, confused and frustrated and in a pain that no amount of morphine we gave him seemed to help.  We all went to bed, but nobody slept.  In the morning, it was clear that we couldn’t help him here at home anymore and the Hospice House was called.

When the paramedics arrived, before they even brought in the stretcher, Lila started to cry.  Standing over by the bookcase, out of their view, I saw her little lip tremble and I motioned for her to come over to me.  Before she got to me, she couldn’t hold back the words and the tears, “I want Poppy! I miss Poppy!”

I couldn’t agree more, Lila Bird

We spent the day in a beautiful room that looked out into a gorgeous garden.  We chatted and laughed and sweet colleagues turned dear friends (and neighbors) came to keep us company.  When night came, we made the couch into a bed and changed into our pajamas settling into a nice little slumber party.  How many evenings Poppy has dozed away while mom and I talked……..if I didn’t pay any attention to the hospital bed or the gurgley breathing…….I could almost fool myself that this was like so many nights before.

We chatted to stay awake, and when we ran out of things to talk about we just laid there and listened to the breathing.  I tried to match my own breaths to his, but they were way too fast and way too shallow.  The nurse came in every hour to check his vitals and each time, afterwards she would touch him gently and give us a kind smile.

She knew we were close

I woke up at about 2:45, not because mom was digging around in her bag, but because of the silence. That machine-like breathing that had been so loud before, was now just a whisper.  Mom moved to be as close as possible to him, and with every breath he took I braced myself for it to be the last.  But it wouldn’t be and then my body would prepare all over again, each time feeling more and more like the room was closing in on me and my own breathing becoming faster and faster.

I wanted to be strong, for mom and for Poppy.

But I couldn’t be.

I started to cry, and I turned into a scared little girl who was afraid, absolutely terrified because when those breaths were gone, so would be Poppy.

I hugged Mumsey and said I was so, so sorry and then slipped out of the room.

Poppy’s last breath was 4 minutes later.

At 2:56, he was gone.

***********************************************************************

“Kay, what are you doing?”

I’m missing you Poppy

 

 

Can It Get Any Better Then Beanie Babies?

I think someone needs to come up with sad pants. They are to be worn  on those days when you just don’t feel like messing with much of anything, much less wearing real pants. You wouldn’t have to say anything and no one would have to ask, they would just look at you and know….”She’s wearing her sad pants today, message received”. They should probably be similar to yoga pants, but really good yoga pants. You know what I mean, the kind that hold things in and lift things up and don’t get stretched out in the knees. They would be like wearing a big hug from the waist down. I can fix my hair if need be and usually find a shirt, but on days like the ones I’ve been having lately…..sad pants would be nice. I’m just making suggestions here, but I think Lululemon would be a great candidate for this particular garment.

****************************

My mother developed a Beanie Baby habit when I went off to college. I’m sure she’ll say she doesn’t, but I’m almost positive she has one of each of them that was ever distributed. They now live up in the attic and my kids get the biggest kick out of climbing up the stairs and digging through all the ” Beans” as Reese calls them.

And that’s what they were doing Saturday afternoon when I started snooping around in other things. There was a shoe box that caught my attention and while keeping one eye on the open attic floor, I took a peek inside. It was full of little keepsakes from a snippet of Poppy’s life. Pictures, hand-written little notes, his kids report cards, clippings from the paper and a little calendar. You know the small kind businesses used to give out that fit in your purse. Anyway, it had the usual stuff written in it, appointments and meetings, a birthday here and there – all written in blue or black ink in Poppy’s handwriting.

Then April came.

April of 1986, when Jerry McHenry first met Connie Reese. I believe it was a Saturday and the writing turned to red. Every single day, he had written something, ” Called Connie and she was napping” ( that was right at the beginning when my mom worked weekend nights) ” mowed Connie’s lawn 2:30-3:30 and stayed for dinner”.

I realized I had found a treasure and when I got to the end of May and came upon “Exchanged I love yous in Connie’s kitchen 12:30 a.m” I just had to share. I also decided I should probably stop reading because though I may have made the discovery, it wasn’t my treasure.

Mom had never seen this little notebook calendar before, didn’t even know it existed. He’s not a mushy guy, never one to write more than his name in a card. But here was this record that he had kept, in red ink no less, of every interaction he had with mom from the moment he met her until they were married.

And funny enough, the last entry is on their wedding date – “Married Connie this evening”.

I guess nothing else mattered after that. Nicholas Sparks totally stole his idea for The Notebook from Poppy.

I Just Need To Get There

I do not drive slow.  Brandon is not a leisurely driver either, but still we can sometime stretch that 345.9 mile journey into 8 hours.  Google Maps says it should take 5 hours and 5 minutes…..and before I had my 3 children I think I could have done it in even less.  But as we drove home this last time, I think we made it in record time.  We stopped once at a Love’s for a bathroom break and then ate leftover pizza from the night before there in the parking lot while we were waiting for Brandon to finish up a work call.  Again, this might not seem like much, but I’m pretty sure that I have stopped at every rest stop and larger gas station on that stretch of I-40……sometimes during the same road trip.

The kids were amazed as we arrived into Fayetteville, the home stretch, and not only was it still light outside, but technically it was closer to lunch time then dinner.  I couldn’t get home fast enough and ever since I had heard the devastating news, my prayers had changed from everything else I had been praying to simply, “Get me home in time”. Get me home in time to see him and for him to know that it’s me.  Get me home in time for the kids to hug him and for him to do whatever it is that he needs to do or say or be for them to process all of this.  I need to tell him I love him and for him to hear me.  I need to be home!

We turned onto Highway 59, the little bit of road that one takes only if you are headed to tiny Gentry, Arkansas.  That is the turn that the kids always get excited for because they know the dirt road is coming up next and then Mumsey and Poppy will be standing in the driveway.  But as we made that right turn, I felt absolutely terrified.  Panicked.  What was going to be at the end of that dirt road?  You know that expression, “I need to see it with my own eyes?” At that moment, I was scared to death to see for myself because then it all really would be real.  Some people do it, but it’s very hard to deny something when you have seen it firsthand.

We turned onto the dirt road and my tears started

And just as the words were about to come out, “I’m scared” a text popped up on my phone from Shannie:

I don’t know how you can deny that God is real and loves us or that He is right here with me through all of this, when something like that happens just when I needed it most.  I hadn’t even called out to Him (or anyone) yet, but He already knew.

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. Psalms 23:4

You never know today, how God might be using you for someone else.  If that kind thought pops into your head, act on it.  What might seem like a simple little share or forward, could give someone else courage in one of their darkest moments.  I always tell my children when they leave for school to be a little light.  Shannie, you were a little light and I can’t thank you enough.

Mumsey met us out on the driveway, just like usual.  The kids tumbled out and just about knocked her over with their hugs and kisses, as it has been way too long since we saw her last.  And then, because they are kids and perfect like that, they looked innocently up at her and asked where Poppy was.  Without waiting for an answer or taking a second to remember the conversations I had been having with them – they ran fearlessly into what had almost crippled me just a few seconds ago.  There was no, “What will he look like? or will it be scary?” they just ran to where their Poppy was.  They kissed him and hugged him (probably hurt him a little, too) and then continued on.

I have no idea what their little minds are thinking.  I often wonder if they are grasping all of this, if they are taking it all in and understanding just how significant everything is right now.  But then I see this:

A little boy who was so anxious to show his Poppy his new football and basketball cards.  A little guy who wanted nothing more than to read a year old NASCAR Illustrated and watch a car show with his favorite guy…….and that’s exactly what he did.

I don’t know if Reese said I love you, and I’m pretty positive that Poppy didn’t.  But that picture shows me that we made it in time.  God answered my prayers

Road Trips Make Me Think

It’s a long drive from Atlanta to Memphis and I think that particular drive somehow had an extra 200 miles added to it.  My thoughts were all over the place as we drove and somehow, everywhere I looked there was some sort of memory from previous trips I’ve taken with Poppy.  Shortly after they got married, we went on our first vacation to Florida – a trip that seemed to take about 3 weeks at the time.  There were 5 of us kids which meant that we stopped more often then we actually drove and one of those stops was at the Alabama Welcome Center.  I will remember it forever, they were hosting a Watermelon Festival complete with all the free watermelon you could eat and a real live Watermelon Queen.  She had a sash and crown and everything.  I can’t stand watermelon, but because there was a beautiful girl in a prom dress handing it out, I wanted to love it.  I think I tried probably 5 pieces, each of them tasting like watermelon – before I finally had to give up.  Every other rest stop or welcome center was ruined after that, because my expectations were now VERY high. Turns out that 30 years later, that has stayed a once in a lifetime experience.  In all the rest stops and welcome centers I have visited since, there has never been any kind of festival goin’ down and I have yet to ever meet another queen of some sort of fruit.  I can remember us kids being so excited! Not having a whole lot of roadtrip experience, we thought they were fantastic now and what incredible parents we had to have brought us on such an adventure.

This is not the time or place to judge me on my fashion. It was 1988 and a very different time…..

We passed by Talladega and Reese reminded me how we had stopped there this summer.  He also reminded me how Poppy didn’t let us stay and take the whole track tour because he was so anxious to get on the road.  He had told us those famous words that all too often come back to haunt us, “Next Time………”.

It suddenly became very important to me to get us on that track tour. When I was finally able to talk to someone on the phone, I think I cried when they told me the last tour of the day had already gone out. Its funny how things can all of a sudden become very important, silly things, things that really don’t make a big difference in the grand scheme of things, but for that moment it’s your number one priority.  I felt like I had failed and before a full-fledged anxiety attack moved in, Brandon suggested that we pull off at the next exit.

God works in funny ways

The next exit happened to be the home of a pretty fantastic outlet mall, but that wasn’t the funny.  As we all piled out of the car and started our jaunt across the parking lot, we saw something very strange in the distance.  The mall was one of those outdoor places, that has sort of a long veranda-type area in the center.  The sun was still out, but it was late afternoon and you couldn’t really see anything but dark and shadowy……….forms of animals…….that appeared to have children riding them……but the animals appeared to be on wheels.  I know, it’s hard to get a real visual of this, but we were all awestruck and drawn to whatever this weirdness was.

Gigantic, motorized stuffed animals that for only $7 you child could ride throughout the entirety of the mall (with the exception of the stores and the parking lot).  My child, not hesititating for an instant, handed over $14 for herself and her brother to ride stuffed zoo animals.  It was as though Mattie was an addict and rideable stuffies were her crack. Brandon and I stood there, not having any idea what to make of the whole thing – our eldest had just paid for her brother to do something, which was mind blowing enough, but then watching our kids zip along, taking the whole thing quite seriously…..we just had to laugh.  I laughed until I cried

And then I took pictures

My heart was broken and my world was falling apart, but for that moment – I was standing outside watching a gorgeous sunset in the middle of rural Alabama (minus the giant mall and a Bass Pro Shop across the interstate) and laughing harder than I have laughed in a very long time.

When I thought, “My foot slips,” your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul. Psalms 94:18,19

The cares of my heart are many, but He found a fantastic way to cheer me. I hope that you will see the large, ridable stuffies that God will inevitably send to you when your heart is breaking.  I am so thankful that I am not going through this alone.  To those of you readers who have been following this for a while, those who remember my request of you to keep my family in your prayers – I could use you now.  Once again, I don’t know what to ask for. But God does, so again, if you just mention my name I think He will know.